I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
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[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks