I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
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thank god the sign was there
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Festive toon…
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.