I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
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That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Put a ring on it
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago