I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
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me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep