I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
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January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
My support group can outdrink your support group.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Netflix: We have Less
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
I only eat vegetarians.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
My safe word is Worcestershire
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.