I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
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“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.