I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
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Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.