I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
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medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.