I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
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Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.