I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
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Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
I needed a laugh this morning.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home