I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
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Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
I just love that new Pope smell.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Merry Christmas
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Just a friendly reminder!
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.