I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
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The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
😏😏😏
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how