@PearlsFromMyrna

I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.

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@tinynietzsche

Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”

@cookiejartales

In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again

@PinkCamoTO

Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK

@trevso_electric

Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,

@stevevsninjas

-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!

Victorian Era YouTube comments

@jonnysun

*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE

@vapidaccount

ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.

@TheRolo

Nurse: Where does it hurt?

Me: *Points to heart*

Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!

Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*

@truegritrumble

BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?