@PearlsFromMyrna

I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.

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@TheTweetOfGod

THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!

1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity

@MooseAllain

“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”

@

Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!

@withanewname

Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!

-Amish drive by

@inigoomontoya

I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people

@andrewgutin

Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.

@alisontheread

*dies and gets to hell*

I really thought I’d lived a good life.

*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*

Oh yeah. Fair enough.

@markedly

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

@gerryhallcomedy

Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.