I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
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I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
he’s sick of your bullshit today
A game married people play.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.