I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
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Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.