@beefman138

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

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@TheTweetOfGod

“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.

@shadygrenade

*ransom note on gun*

[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]

[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]

@dafloydsta

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker

@noog

If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.

@ShotOfBull

I found a message in a bottle. It said:

“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”

@SondraDeeMe

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

@notalogin

Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.

@Gre_Gone

*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*

@TwoSapphiresBlu

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”