I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
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She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
I feel seen.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Made something I’m not proud of
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place