I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
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He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Don’t snitch tag.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
I am laughing way too hard at this.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.