I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
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Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there