i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
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It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”