I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
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I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
This will never not be funny 😭
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.