I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
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You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…