I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
You Might Also Like
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.