“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
You Might Also Like
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit