I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
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My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Meeeee too!
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too