Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.

duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

[Apple meeting]

We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.

“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”

Too honest, Carl.

[4 hours later]

Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes

getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point

Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”

Nailed it.

I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you

People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?

My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.

so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*

captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna

1st mate: dont you mean sonar

captain (already in towel): full steam ahead

Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

ME: I fear the number six.

THERAPIST: That’s odd.

ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.

Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.

I know this now 😂

Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles

Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.

*uses Ouija board*

ＮＥＷ ＰＨＯＮＥ ＷＨＯ ＤＩＳ

I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed

[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!

Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.

Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here

First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.