I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
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Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Room with a view.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
The Onion called it…again.