I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
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This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water