I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
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My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders