I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair

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literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”


My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.


I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.


Tonight’s parenting lesson:

If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.

I need a shower.


[on phone]

ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?

HER: We broke up. I told you last night

ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?


They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.


if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”


I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.


James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”