I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
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Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
What?
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Growing up was a huge mistake
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though