I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
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I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
I’m tired tomorrow.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
okay run it by me one more time
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “