I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
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[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Breakfast for Stoners:
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car