I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
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Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Aaaa…CHOO!
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.