I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
You Might Also Like
This tweet has been deleted
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?