I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
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i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags