I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
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What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.