I have literally never stopped thinking about this
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Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.