I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
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actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
be careful
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Guy who likes music
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang