I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
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An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO