I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
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Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
inside you are two wolves
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?