I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
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Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Jokes on them. I took 10.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.