I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
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*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Don’t we all.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Mornin
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
awkward
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.