i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
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Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes