I have never heard an armadillo before.
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I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Confused owl: What?!
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken