I have never heard an armadillo before.
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My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
[Biker gang initiation]
Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
i just found this in my phone
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
The Joker was right
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period