Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?

Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]

WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM

GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things

Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.

*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*

My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?

Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor

“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”

THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???

Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician

Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.

Me: You could stop cutting.

Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.

*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*

If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son

jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run

Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something

Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.

Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?

Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.

To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.

Aim at his smartphone.

He’ll die faster.

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.

Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?

ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface

Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*

Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit

My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.