@iamspacegirl

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

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@ieatanddrink

Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later

@bryanmcc74

You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !

@GloriaFallon123

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

@DirtMcTurd

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.

@Social_Mime

If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.

@bewgtweets

Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?

Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*

Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.

@AndyAsAdjective

7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?

ME: slowly

7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?