I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

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Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later


You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !


Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with


Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.


If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.


Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?

Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*

Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.


7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?

ME: slowly

7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?