@ieatanddrink Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
@iamspacegirl I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
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@ieatanddrink 
@bryanmcc74 You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
@trevso_electric Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
@GloriaFallon123 Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
@DirtMcTurd Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
@Social_Mime If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
@Swishergirl24 My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
@bewgtweets Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
@AndyAsAdjective 7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
@AllyBallyBeal I really would love to see two mimes arguing