I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
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[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Thursday Thought.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕