I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
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Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Meme Monday.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.