I have never related to a cat more
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A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw