i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
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Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Cause of death: Zumba
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
This 4th of July, please remember…
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
🔦🌙👣
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?