I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
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maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Wait a minute…
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?