I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
You Might Also Like
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.