i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
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If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason