I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
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Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
sensitive skin
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Good morning y’all ☀️
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.